Crack Ficlets are a Fangirl's Pop Rocks : Amanda
by houseprodigy
Summary: Ficlet Challenges from Visual Confectionary. Mostly RoyEd. Warning: Yaoi and shameless humor.
1. Cat Calls

**Oh, the joys of boredom. Things just seem to come up when you want to write but have massive writer's clot. "A Lot To Make Up For" is coming along, just very slowly. I need to get the creative juices flowing, and this helps. Basic concept: my lovely messiah Autumn gives me a title and a last line. The rest is up to me. It's a great deal of fun, and so the end result is the work that is left for your amusement. Enjoy!**

"**Cat Calls"**

There were many things Edward Elric was good at.

Alchemy. Solving problems. Getting into trouble. Often all at the same time.

There were also many things the young blonde alchemist was _not_ good at.

Winning arguments against Al. Getting things from high places.

Betting.

Yes, he was lucky in many, many ways, but betting was not one of those things in which his luck did him any good.

Yes, that is where it all began…

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

There were many things Roy Mustang just couldn't do for the life of him.

Paperwork. Go a day without being shot at by Hawkeye. Deny a pretty girl.

Then, there were things he could do naturally, as if it was no trouble at all.

Setting things ablaze with the snap of his fingers. Flirting.

Betting.

Yes, he lived a charmed life, and in it, he had never lost a bet. Not even once.

…But that wasn't to say that he _couldn't_.

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

Roy sat at his desk, shooting paper clips across the room, waiting for the inevitable clicking that came before he felt the heat only found when one was at the end of the barrel of a firearm.

Only the thing was, that would never come. Riza Hawkeye was currently too busy shouting at a very inebriated Jean Havoc who had decided that nightcaps weren't his style. Morningcaps sounded so much better. Therefore, that warranted Riza's attention would be turned away from her normal post and was directed elsewhere.

However, that did not ensure that he wouldn't be bothered by another source of annoyance. This was made obvious as Ed walked in, irate as always at having to answer to someone he thought less worthy of his attention than say…half of the thousands of stray kittens Al had brought in over the years.

Now normally, Roy would say and do anything to get the metal-limbed alchemist out of his hair, but he was so bored that he could barely stand sitting around doing nothing anymore.

So, of course, his source of amusement would have to come from getting a rise out of the hot-tempered prodigy.

Edward, however, had other ideas. He could sense oncoming assaults from the man before they actually happened, so now he was able to get in the first shot.

"Good to see that the country is in such capable hands. I mean, flinging paperclips is going to come in handy the next time we go to war. You might even be able to take a few eyes out there," Ed said mildly, his tone somewhere between sarcastic and impertinent.

Usually, the quick-witted flame alchemist would come up with a snappy comment that would tear the audacity from Edward's features faster than Hawkeye could shoot. However, he was so tired that he just let it roll off his back this time. It wasn't as if he really wanted to _anger_ the pipsqueak; that was more annoying than entertaining.

No, he really wanted to get him good. He wanted to embarrass him to the point where he was sputtering and his face was red enough to match his jacket. He wanted to…

It suddenly struck him. He could make a bet with the twerp that would be both entertaining _and _beneficial. Either way, he won. He didn't mind paying for a little amusement. Of course, what he had in mind, he was almost certain the blond wouldn't comply to.

"Say, Fullmetal, since you're so convinced that you seem to have a better handle on things than I do, what do you say to a small wager on that? You know, put your money where your mouth is," Roy said, amused.

Edward looked at him in a confused manner for a moment before a look of determination crossed his face and he grinned. "Sure thing. I'd bet you anything that…wait, what are we betting on?"

Roy grinned mischievously. "Well, Edward, I bet that you won't do what I say. Now, you can't know what it is yet. All I can tell you that is if I win, you have to stay late and do paperwork and do whatever I say for two weeks. If you win, well, then I'll give you my next paycheck. _All_ of it."

Ed seemed to muse this over for a moment, taking care not to be hasty, which wasn't like him in the least.

Roy couldn't chance him backing out, so he added, "Think of all the books you could buy, Ed. Really, it's not hard. Either way, you really win."

It took no more than that. He had Ed from the word "books." The blond nodded eagerly.

"All right, but if I win, not only do I get your check, but you have to go out there and tell everyone what a lazy bastard you are. Deal?" he asked smugly.

Roy shrugged. There was no way Elric was going to do what he said, so he wasn't worried about anything he might lose.

"Deal," he said, nodding.

Ed grinning, thinking he had already won. After all, he was a prodigy; there was nothing he couldn't do.

"So, what is it? What do you want me to do?" he asked curiously.

At this, the sly colonel smirked. "Well, Fullmetal, it's quite simple. Since I keep getting after you to cut your hair and you refuse, I figure that if you want to wear your hair like a girl's, you might as well dress like one, too."

"WHAT?!" Ed asked in disbelief. "You devious, low-life, bottom-feeding…"

"Ah ah ah…" Roy wiggled his finger back and forth. "A deal is a deal, Ed. You wouldn't go back on your word, would you? That wouldn't make you very honest."

The blonde grit his teeth and forced a smile. Oh, how he was swallowing his pride, but it would be worth it.

"All right. Fine. Where do you suggest I get the clothes to do this?" he asked bitterly.

Roy smiled. "Glad you asked. I just so happen to have a change of clothes left over from one of my…ahem…dates, and it's just your size: _petite._"

Edward bit back on a snide comment, deciding to instead play along just long enough to get what he wanted. After all, what was a little humiliation when Roy would suffer so much more?

Roy got up from behind his desk and went to a closet, removing a hanger with what looked like a red fitted blouse and a black…_miniskirt?!_

Ed blushed furiously as he held his arms out to receive the clothing, secretly glad that he had not chosen to go commando on that day of all days.

"Turn around. I'm not changing in front of you," Edward said, sticking his tongue out at the dark-haired military man, who turned around in his chair and proceeded to stare out the window. After what seemed like forever (made worse by Roy's growing impatience), he sighed, frustrated.

"Are you done yet, Fullmetal? I'm beginning to think you really _are_ a girl," he muttered.

A heavy sigh came from behind him. "Fine. I'm done. You can…turn around…I guess."

Roy turned his chair around and nearly went into cardiac arrest. Standing before him was a very girly, very _cute_ Edward, fitting the clothes better than any girl ever could. Roy coughed slightly, trying to hide the fact that he was slightly (and quite awkwardly) turned-on by the display the teen was unintentionally making.

Ed blushed as he realized that Roy was staring. "What? I'm done…I win the bet…now give it to me."

Roy had to clear his ears out to make sure he was hearing correctly. "_Excuse_ me?"

The blonde groaned. "I win your stupid bet, now make good on your end of the bargain!"

The older man smirked knowingly, having snapped out of his daze long enough to remember what his actual goal was. "Oh no, you're not getting off that easily. I think you look so pretty that maybe you should go out and show everyone else. Go on, then."

At this suggestion, Edward's face turned so red, it was hard to tell where the blush ended and the blouse began. Still, much to Roy's surprise, he turned on his heel (quite literally) and stalked out of the office, walking out to a hall full of military personnel.

There was an uproar of cat calls and shouts before a slow and painful silence. This was followed by a large gasp, as if they had all decided to breathe at once. Not surprising, as it was then followed by a quiet inquiry by one very confused-but-now-sober Havoc.

"Chief?" he asked carefully.

Obviously there was some kind of confirmation to the blonde's identity, for there was a loud outpour of laughter, followed by the doors being thrown open and Edward stalking in, looking very much disturbed and embarrassed.

He stormed up to the desk and glared at Roy, his hands on his hips.

"Well?" he asked expectantly.

Still stunned that the blonde actually _complied,_ the colonel had no choice but to concede. Holding his hands up, he walked over to the doors, opened them, and simply stated what was part of their deal.

"I am a lazy bastard," he said plainly, giving a look that said "say anything and die." Of course, his back was to Edward, so the look went unseen. He then closed his doors and walked back over to a very smug-looking Ed.

"Happy?" he asked, not sounding like a bitter loser, just like someone who had held up their end of the bargain, as promised.

The blonde shook his head. "Not quite."

Roy cocked an eyebrow. "What else could you possibly want?"

Edward held out a hand, reminding the older man very much so of a similar situation, though he couldn't figure out where until the blonde spoke…

"Fork over the money, bastard."


	2. Pants

**All I want to say about this one is that I would personally like to damn Autumn for making the past 18 hrs. so totally frustrating for me. If I didn't have a heart, I would make you write about cats. Yes, CATS. (The animal, not the musical.) I suppose it would be time for a disclaimer, yes? Okay, here goes. I don't own FMA, any of its characters, or original storylines. Duh.**

"**Pants"**

Every workplace has its own little pastimes that make the work not seem so menial, so totally pointless that everyone dreads the time in which the workday starts and prays for the time in which it will end.

Amestris's Eastern military HQ was no different.

From time to time, the staff and officers would take a poll that had certain…benefits to those who managed to answer the poll correctly.

All right, so they all had a poll started about things that people assumed were true, or they just wondered about slightly. Of course, most of these things were hardly provable, or if they were, no one ever said anything, for the things they all bet on were things that should never be found in a place concerned with national security.

Like whether or not a certain blonde alchemist was just a little bit…well…

"I am telling you, he is as gay as they come. I mean, just look at his pants!" a very frustrated Heymans Breda said, pointing in the small male's general direction.

"Now now, there is no way to know that for sure. I mean, you can't tell everything about a person just by looking at their pants," Maes Hughes assured the small group of people now examining the leg garments of Edward Elric, who was thankfully oblivious to all of the scrutiny.

"I agree," Riza Hawkeye said firmly. "That kind of assumption is ridiculous."

"Yeah," Jean Havoc said, cigarette bobbing in his mouth as he spoke. "Just because they're so ridiculously tight that no normal human being would ever want to wear them…that doesn't mean anything."

Hawkeye shook her head as Breda and Havoc began to argue back and forth about the messages clothes did (or in Havoc's point-of-view, didn't) make.

Little did any of them know that Hughes's firm denial of Breda's guess was in part because of the fact that he knew it to be all-too accurate. For nearly two months, he had been sitting on a well-kept secret, one his best friend and fellow officer Roy Mustang had begged him to keep without having to say a word. Maes just knew him that well.

As head of investigations, he was good at unlocking secrets, but that didn't mean he didn't know how to keep them. For Roy, he would keep secret the fact that he was not only a fraternizer, but also dealing with someone who was almost half his age.

It would have been a scandal to rock all other scandals all the way to Xing and back. But he wasn't just keeping quiet because it would ruin his oldest friend's career, it would also take away the one thing that was for the moment keeping him happier than Maes had seen him in years. It seemed alchemy wasn't the only thing the boy was good at.

Hughes kept a wary eye on the familiar red jacket as the owner stood, gathered his books, and left the small cafeteria. He knew exactly where Ed was going. His job was to keep everyone else preoccupied while Roy and Ed had a little…_private meeting._

Hughes sighed. The things he did for his friend… He never wondered if he was being taken advantage of, for there were also many things that Roy had done for him, but still, this was asking for a bit much. He remembered swearing an oath of loyalty, but he had no idea how this was supposed to get Roy to the top.

Well, not to the top of the _ranks,_ anyway. He was sure Roy was on top somewhere…

After a harsh mental slap and self-chiding over even contemplating something as obscene as the goings-on in his friend's love life (odd as it was), he directed his attention to the still-bantering Breda and Havoc, who had noticed the sudden departure of the object of their scrutiny.

Before Hughes could stop them, however, they were both on the young Elric's tail, discretely following him down the corridors and straight to Mustang's office. There was a long period of silence in which nothing could be heard until a sudden muffled yell came from the other side of the office doors.

Havoc smirked in triumph. "See? No one who is anything but straight could argue with the colonel like that. If he had been gay, well…he just couldn't argue with him! He'd probably be jello, or something like that."

"You mean like all of the girls you can't seem to get?" Breda teased light-heartedly.

Havoc's bitter retort was cut off by something that sounded like anything _but _an angry exclamation. It was loud, but definitely _not_ angry. Both of the men paled considerably as they began to do the math. Everything was adding up, but it wasn't anything they had expected.

Hughes hung behind, watching the entire scene play itself out. He slapped his hand over his forehead as he watched the expressions on the other men's faces.

_Oh man, how is Roy going to get himself out of _this _one?_ he wondered.

Suddenly, the doors opened and a very disgruntled-yet-oddly-pleased Edward stepped out, looking around before walking in the direction opposite where the other men were hiding.

Hughes let out a sigh of relief. There was one less confrontation he'd have to deal with for the moment. He didn't even want to know how the two would react to all they had heard. He tried hard to think of a good explanation as he approached them, but his mind was going blank.

To his surprise, however, when he reached them, the looks of shock had dissipated, leaving a very defeated-looking Havoc and a victorious Breda. As Breda opened his mouth to speak, the other men expected something along the lines of an "I told you so," but instead, all they got was this…

"Oh yeah. He's gay."


	3. Rebellion

**A/N: Autumn and I were talking just recently about an FMA game she likes to play…"Bluebird's Illusion" and then we got to talking about how cute Ed looks in a uniform, which then led to the question…why doesn't Ed wear a uniform? We came up with a few theories, and then, being the total…well, the way we just _are_, we came up with a few innuendos, and thus, this mess was born. I hope you like it. We sure got a good kick out of it.**

**Disclaimer: Two words: Not. Mine. See also: I. Wish. **

It was an odd thing that no one ever questioned…why Edward Elric never wore a standard military uniform. He was, after all, a major in the Amestris military. He did serve the State. Why not wear the uniform?

What no one knew--no one except for Al, of course--was that not wearing the stiff blue uniform of a military dog was his way of rebelling against the system he desperately wished he wasn't a part of. There were bills that needed to be paid, however, and Ed's debt wasn't just financial, either. There was a certain part of him that wouldn't rest until Ed had repaid his debt to his own moral satisfaction.

Another thing no one else knew was of other ways Ed…"stuck it to the man." He had other methods of rebelling against that which he just couldn't stand about the state military. He would undermine just about every rule he could possibly get his little metal hand on, one of which was a big "no-no" as far as just about anyone was concerned.

But as for all Ed cared, the "don't ask, don't tell" policy worked in his favor.

The object of this quite-offensive rebellion was none other than his commanding officer, Colonel Roy Mustang. It was a perfect match. Not only would no one ever suspect those two of fraternization, the idea that Roy would be anything remotely close to gay was well…laughable, to say the least.

It was also Ed's funny little way of occasionally one-upping Roy while his guard was down. He'd always hated being "beneath" Roy, and now it was Roy's turn to be "beneath" him, although in a totally different sense. Of course, Roy wasn't too fond of that, but by the time he was aware of what had happened, Ed was already out like a light.

Still, that was Ed's favorite method of rebelling lately, and needless to say, he loved rebelling whenever he got the chance.

Oh yes, Ed really did love sticking it to that man.


	4. Walls

-1**A/N: I started this for what seemed like forever ago, and since I am unable to do anything about ALTMUF at the moment (muse ran off again), I decided to finish this little gem. Hope ya'll like.**

**Disclaimer: I own FMA…if "own" means nine DVDs, a pendant, a pair of Roy's gloves, a tin of mints, and a boatload of fanfics and fanart pieces. **

…**Yeah, I own nothing. XD**

"Walls"

If walls could talk, they would probably say lots of things about what they had seen and heard. If walls could talk, they would tell long stories of things long since passed, both mundane and significant. They would tell of the people whose life they enclosed, protecting it from unwelcome eyes.

If Edward Elric's walls could talk, they would tell humorous anecdotes of the times he had shared with his brother over the years. They would also tell of pain and the tears that no one had been allowed to see. They would tell of how much Ed missed his younger brother, now that he'd returned to Resembool to live with the Rockbells.

If Edward Elric's walls could talk, the topic of conversation would have slowly started shifting from the angst-filled sleepless evenings where Edward would silently cry himself exhausted to the sudden appearance of a certain dark-haired military officer who'd been dropping by more often as time passed.

If Edward Elric's walls could talk, they would be able to tell stories of the long talks over tea that often stretched into the early morning. They'd relate the few moments of peace between two once-bickering men. They'd tell of the small bits of time where one would look at the other, though the other wouldn't see, and it would appear as though there was more to the two of them that no one but the walls could see.

If Edward Elric's walls could talk, they would tell of recent nights in front of the small fireplace, where both men would do nothing but sit and read, until one would bring up something of interest, which would usually spur a debate; those nights often carried on into the morning as well. They would tell of nights where the debates never ended until one usually fell asleep.

If Edward Elric's walls could talk, they would say more about those nights, where it was usually Ed who fell asleep, after which time, Roy would come over and drape a blanket across the sleeping alchemist, and even once, was daring enough to brush a kiss across his forehead.

If Edward Elric's walls could talk, they would tell of two once-feuding individuals who got close through their shared interest in the thing that made them special, and the things that separated them from most people…that made them get closer than they ever would to anyone else…

If Edward Elric's walls could talk, they'd probably be screaming like a rabid fangirl right now.


	5. Shake It

**A/N****: It's been forever since I've done one of these, but I was prompted by the ever lovely visualconfectionary, Autumn, who has proceeded to kick the blood out of my muse until it worked properly again, allowing me to pump out this little jewel. I also want to make it very clear here that I am still working on the new chapter for "Motherload," and should have it done soon. It's just that damned wall of pr0nz that owns my life so pathetically...I shall never scale it to give you the lemony goodness...ah well. I tried a little here to get myself warmed up for tomorrow, when I shall tackle the demon and wrench back my precious story so we can hurry up and...I almost gave away the ending. My bad. ;D But anyway, here's the newest little ficlet. Thanks to Autumn for helping me off the block.**

**Disclaimer: I don't really own FMA at all. Not even a little. Yes, I may have contributed through my purchasing of FMAbilia, but haven't we all? If I owned it, that new series would be out already so it can hurry up and own my soul again.**

**Shake it**

If there was one thing Edward Elric detested more than anything else, it was being made to feel like a fool (okay, so maybe he hated milk more than that, but only by a little). This hatred was only worsened when he was made to feel like a fool by one Flame Alchemist, who Ed considered the bane of all young and brilliant alchemists; this description really only applied to him, in his opinion, but certainly not because he didn't want the colonel bugging any other young and brilliant alchemists. No, he wasn't the jealous kind.

It was because he wasn't the jealous type that he _didn't _start to get a nagging feeling in his gut upon discovering that the colonel--_his_ colonel--had taken up dancing at a local hall two times a week. Yes, Roy had asked him if he wanted to come along, but he'd gently refused.

For Ed, "gently refusing" to do something usually included a bit of physical resistance and threatening to cut off certain body parts if Roy continued to insist upon whatever it was Ed didn't want to do. Oh yes, and swearing was usually involved. LOTS of swearing.

"Are you _sure_ you won't come along?" Roy asked as he started towards the door, sliding his arms through the sleeves of his coat.

Ed sat firmly down on the ground, causing the room to shake a little to prove his point. "Never. Not even to save myself from the pits of Hell. Forget it. I'd rather be thrown back through the Gate."

Roy sighed and rolled his eyes. "Don't be dramatic, Edward. A simple 'no' would have sufficed." He grabbed his keys. "All right, well…should you change your mind, you know where I'll be."

Ed snorted and let out a short laugh. "Oh yeah, I know _exactly_ where you'll be. Thanks, but no thanks. If I wanted to see you philandering with other women, I'd go walking with you in the mornings."

"Yeah, maybe we'd all be safer that way," Roy shot back, feeling the irritation he'd been fighting back curl up inside his chest, making a sweet little home where it would no doubt cause more trouble, as it always did. "After all, lord knows the next names for consideration on the list after 'Fullmetal' were 'Lead Leg' and 'Two Left-Footed.' Personally, I think a combination of the two would work best, but that would be a mouthful."

That promptly shut Ed up, upon which time Roy took that as his cue to leave, leaving the blonde on the floor, his mouth agape.

A few hours passed as Ed sat on the floor, unwilling to move, occasionally casting an eye towards the door, as if trying to catch Roy as he came back through the door to apologize. Every time he saw that Roy was indeed _not_ returning to apologize, he felt anger well up inside him, as well as a little sadness. After all, it wasn't like he hadn't made a good point. Why in the Hell would he want to go somewhere when he couldn't tell those fawning tramps to stop gawking at _his_ man? After all, they were still both very much seeing each other in secret, so it wasn't as if he could actually dance _with _Roy, and he'd be damned if he had to settle for exchanging glances while some girl attempted to hog all Roy's attention. Besides, the last girl he'd even _tried_ to dance with was Winry, and that's only because he was trying to learn how to dance so he could show Roy that he wasn't some "unrefined country bumpkin," as the smart-assed colonel had so aptly named him.

He sighed, getting to his feet and stretching the soreness from his body. No matter what, he always wound up doing things for Roy, no matter how much he might hate them. It was "part of growing up," as Al liked to constantly remind him.

"Growing up" or not, he hated it. Still, he found himself doing it time and time again. He grabbed his jacket and made his way across town to the hall. By the time he made it to his destination, the hall was empty. He frowned and looked at his watch. It was too early for the place to be deserted. Roy usually didn't get back until nine; it was only half-past seven.

"You know, I was wondering if you were ever going to show up," Roy's voice said, coming from behind Ed. The younger male turned around to look up at a smirking Flame Alchemist.

"What're you going on about, old man?" Ed asked irritably. He looked around and suddenly understood. "Wait…you mean to tell me that you've been coming here twice a week for the past couple months for _nothing?_"

Roy shrugged. "Not really. You're here. I got what I was aiming for, didn't I?"

Ed frowned. "Bastard."

Roy held out a hand to Ed and gestured for him to take it. "Now Ed, let's not ruin this moment of humanity for you. You obviously didn't come here to kick my face in, or you would have done it already. So why not make good of the time we have?"

Ed eyed Roy's hand suspiciously. "You're not serious."

"Of course I am. I wouldn't have come here 'twice a week for the past couple months for _nothing_,' as you put it." He reached out and grabbed Ed's hand, pulling him closer. "Since you came down here of your own free will…you do still believe in that, right? I'd say you've given me reason to believe that you came here to dance with me. Or at least, drag me off to keep me from dancing with anyone else."

Ed frowned momentarily before sighing into a smile. "Yeah, something like that."

Roy settled a hand on Ed's hip and slid it around to the small of his back. He began to move his feet, prodding Ed to follow along. Occasionally, Ed would trip over Roy's feet, but Roy would only catch him and guide him back to the rhythm.

"Only move the foot that is in the direction you want to go in. If you're going to the right, move the right foot. If you're going forward or backward, move the foot that is on the outside. You'll make a perfect box that way." He tapped each of Ed's feet to show him which ones to move. Finally, they started to move in unison.

"This isn't so bad," Ed murmured, his eyes half-lidded. He pulled Roy down and pressed his lips to Roy's. He backed Roy up to the wall and began working at his belt, untucking his shirt and sliding his hands up Roy's chest. Roy turned, pinning Ed to the wall. He grabbed Ed by the hips and lifted him up so that the younger man was straddling his hips. He kissed from his throat up to his ear and over to capture his mouth again.

"Aren't you glad you came?" Roy asked huskily, pushing Ed's shirt up to capture a nipple in his mouth.

"I haven--ah!--haven't done anything just yet," Ed joked, grinding his hips into Roy's.

Roy chuckled and pulled away, sighing. He carefully set Ed on the ground and straightened his clothes. "You know we can't do this here. I mean, we could, but it wouldn't exactly be the best idea."

Ed groaned and nodded, brushing his hair away from his face. "This is so lame. Are we always going to be this way?"

"Not always. Someday we'll be able to come here and really 'shake it' with everyone watching," Roy said, smiling. "And we won't even have to care."

Laughing, Ed punched Roy in the arm lightly. "I can't believe you just said 'shake it.' You're so old."

"Not that old," Roy argued. "Besides, you really liked dancing with me. Admit it."

"Okay, so maybe it wasn't _that _bad. It wasn't great or anything, but it didn't kill me, either," Ed admitted. "Maybe it's something I wouldn't mind doing…at home. Away from people, you know?"

"Hm," Roy affirmed thoughtfully. He smirked as a thought entered his mind. "You know, Ed, if the box-step gets you _this _excited, maybe next time, we should take up the tango or something."

Ed snorted, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms in defiance. "Yeah, whatever. Let's see how far that gets you."

**Any reviews are appreciated. Quite literally. I may name my children after the next few people that review, I've become so terribly desperate. XD**

**I'm kidding.**


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